Avengers We Have Heard On High
by hogwartsharpist
Summary: Avengers, holiday style. Snowball fights, trick-or-treating, and hilarity ensue! Nothing serious could be found here with a map.
1. Chapter 1

**Yay for plot bunnies! I love Avengers. Like, level fangirl. I needed to release my pent-up feels. This was the somewhat random, product-of-sugar-and-no-sleep-and-ADHD fic that emerged.**

Natasha Romanoff, aka Black Widow, was very cold.

Of course she was figuratively; she was a secret agent. If secret agents had a job description all it would say was "Be Cold". She had eyes that could turn anyone into ice and a personality resembling the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. But right now, she was physically very, very cold. The fact that she and her fellow Avengers were crouched on the Alaskan permafrost, with nothing but tents to keep them company, didn't help.

She muttered something in Russian. Her companions looked at her curiously. "Didn't catch that," said Tony Stark.

"I said, leave it to Fury to send us on a mission to somewhere freezing cold on Christmas Day. And I also said things that can't be directly translated."

Steve Rogers laughed. "Oh, Alaska isn't so bad," he said. "Once you've been frozen in a block of ice for seventy years even ice cream burns your mouth."

"Besides, aren't you like from Russia?" rejoined Tony. "Where even the dolls have to have like ten layers of wooden clothing?"

Bruce Banner chuckled. "A matroyeshka doll."

Natasha sighed. "Yes, Tony, I am Russian. For the upteenth time, I am Russian. No, I don't worship Stalin, and no, I wasn't singing in a St. Petersburg square about rumors of the royal family. That movie isn't even accurate."

"Anastasia is pure truth. Pure Disney magic."

"It's not Disney!"

"Russians also lie."

Natasha considered how far she could throw him across the frozen tundra.

Bruce, ever the peacemaker, decided to change the subject. "That's also where the _Ice Queen_ came from, right? I love that show. Used to see it on Broadway every summer."

"Yes," answered Natasha curtly.

"Talk about Ice Queen. She IS the Ice Queen. Icicles fly out of her mouth. That's why she never talks!" Tony butted in again.

Hawkeye laughed. "You know, I tried to get her to go see that once, and she refused. Said she hated cold things."

Natasha counted the snowflakes falling from the sky.

"The Ice Queen hates the cold?" There was a subtle malice to Tony's words that immediately put everyone on edge. Last time he'd used that tone, a circus had escaped onto the streets of Los Angeles. "Fancy that."

"Er, Tony, I wouldn't try anything," Hawkeye said nervously. Natasha looked deadly stoic, and he knew that look was always followed with trouble.

Thor shifted his hammer from hand to hand. "I am retiring to bed," he announced.

"Thor, it's high noon," protested Steve.

"I do not trust the Man of Iron."

"I'm going to bed as well," said Natasha shortly. "We have a long night ahead of us." She got up and moved towards her tent.

She almost made it too.

Then all hell broke loose.

**Avengers assemble and leave a review. You probably all hate it! Ah well. Epic fight coming up next chappie. Stay tuned.**


	2. Chapter 2: The Closet Brony

The snowball exploded against the back of Natasha's vibrant red head. Everything went dead silent, as if even the winter wind was holding its breath in horror.

Tony chuckled nervously. "What? All I did was throw a snowball – "

Quick as a blink, Natasha was on him. She threw him on the ground, pulled the hood of his jacket over his eyes so he couldn't see, and yanked his undies over his head. He howled.

Clint and Steve were roaring with laughter. "Why do your underwear have My Little Ponies all over them?" Clint asked between trying to gasp for breaths.

"They were a gift!" Tony muttered indignantly. He managed to untangle himself and glared at Natasha. "What in the name of Director Fury's socks was _that _for?"

The spy looked at him impassively. "You got me cold."

"We're in ALASKA!"

"Irrelevant."

"Irrelevant? Irrelevant? Irrelevant this!" Tony shouted. And with all the force of hurt pride and the confidence that came from wearing his special undies, he threw a large pile of snow at her. For once, she was unprepared and stood there, shocked, covered in snow.

"And this, gentlemen, is how the world ends," murmured Bruce.

To his surprise, Natasha didn't immediately proceed to separate Tony from his manhood. Instead she grabbed Thor and Steve by the scruffs of their necks and pulled them into a loose group.

"My team," she announced. She pointed at Tony, Bruce and Clint. "Your team. Snowball fight. Winners get hot chocolate and bragging rights, losers sleep in the snow. I hope those magical pony underwear are extra warm, Stark."

Tony surreptitiously patted his own bum. No matter what anyone said, he was sure it wasn't just the Iron Man suit that gave him special powers. After all, Rainbow Dash could fly too.

**Thanks for reading. Leave me a review, if the urge so strikes you :)**

**Don't own Avengers or My Little Pony. Seriously, if I owned the Avengers I'd put them in a room and just stare at them in bliss.**


	3. Chapter 3: Yeti Poop

"Yeah, sure, stick me with Princess Merida and Bill Nye the Science Guy," muttered Tony rebelliously.

"Hey," objected Bruce. "I'm perfectly capable of turning into a ginormous Jolly Green Giant any time I want to, thanks very much."

"Except with less Jolly," Clint reminded him. "You kind of tend to hit everything. A lot. Hard. I'd rather keep my rugged good looks."

"You're somewhat useful, at least," Tony turned to Clint. Bruce bristled at the obvious snub. "Go fire some of your little arrows at them."

"It's a snowball fight, not target practice."

"Same thing," sniffed the heir to the Stark fortune.

Clint rolled his eyes. "Sure it is. Here, I'm gonna lob a snowball at your eye, jk, it was an arrow. Oops, you're blind and dead, my bad."

"You can't be blind and dead," Bruce pointed out mildly.

"Hush now, white crayon, the grownups are talking," Tony told him.

Bruce scowled. "White crayon?"

"Useless, in other words. I figured that was a gentler term than calling you the entire Kardashian cast."

Bruce's scowl deepened.

"Okay, Katniss, you and me," Tony said to Clint. "Let's make some plans. I guess Snooki over here can help a little. An invincible genius, a Legolas and a short little man thing against a god, a supermodel ninja and a genetically enhanced soldier. Oh yeah, this'll end well. Might as well call ourselves team White Crayon Kardashian."

**This be a line break, mateys**

"Okay, Captain, what's our plan?" Natasha got right down to business.

He scratched his head. "Well...We've got strength on our side, they've got brains. We're soldiers, not tacticians, and Thor – quite frankly – is a blond mass of inarticulate sinew."

"Art thou jesting with me, O Man of Spangles?" roared Thor.

"Yep."

"Then all is well. How shall we defeat them?"

"By fighting them the way wars ought to be fought. By beating the living crap out of them."

"Living crap?" Thor was horrified. "Excretion is sentient on your planet?"

"It's an expression, Thor," Natasha reassured him. "So basically go in with guns blazing?"

"Or hammers or shields. That's the idea."

"Okay. Let's build a fort so they can't get us, and dig a tunnel over to where they are so we can surprise them. Thor?"  
The god of lightning swung his hammer around his head, faster and faster, until it was a blur of silver. Then he directed it towards the ground. It beat into the earth, drill-like, and propelled him down. The tunnel was underway.

"Okay, Steve, I'll get on the fort."

"I'll make a catapult out of our tent," he replied.

Natasha frowned. "But we'll have nowhere to sleep."

"It'll be worth it to hit Tony Snark in the face with Yeti poop," he grinned.

Natasha smiled. Tony Snark. That was good. "Yeti poop?"

"Snow to you," he laughed.

Natasha chuckled, which for her was the equivalent of several hours' worth of hysterics. "I'll go make some Yeti poop balls and a Yeti poop wall."

"I'll go make a Yeti poop flinger."

"While Thor's digging through Yeti poop."

"So we can make the other team – "

"Eat Yeti poop!" they finished together, and cracked up.

Team White Crayon Kardashian heard the sound of Natasha Romanoff laughing. It was the most terrifying sound they'd ever heard, and they were quaking in their custom Rainbow Dash underwear, whitey-tighteys, and boxer briefs respectively.

**Cliffhanger. The big, important stuff is coming next chapter, including which team...**

**...member wears whitey-tighteys. Let's keep a clear sense of perspective here, people.**

**Thanks for the reviews! You guys must be babies 'cause you light up my world like nobody else.**


	4. Chapter 4: Whoops

Two hours, two forts, a tunnel, a catapult, and several fits later, the two teams were finally ready.

"WE NEED TEAM NAMES!" Tony bellowed across the landscape.

Natasha conferred with her team. "WE'RE THE CATSUITED HAMMERSHIELDS!" She bellowed back.

"WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT!?"

"CAME UP IN OUR GAME OF SCRABBLE."

"YOU HAVE _SCRABBLE?_"

"THOR'S AHEAD TWO HUNDRED POINTS FOR HIS USE OF ARCHAIC DICTION."

"WHAT'S THE HIGHEST-POINT WORD?"

"CATSUITED HAMMERSHIELDS, DUH!"

"Scrabble? We can't compete with that, Tony," said Bruce in an undertone.

"Wait...something up my sleeve...oh, lookie there, Apples to Apples cards." He turned back to the battlement. "WELL I HOPE YOU CAN SPELL FAILURE WITH YOUR STUPID LITTLE SCRABBLE TILES CAUSE WE GOT APPLES TO APPLES!"

Natasha looked thunderstruck. "Captain, they're using the Apples to Apples play! Whaddo we do?"

Steve was speechless.

"OOH, I'M WINNING! I GET THE _ABSURD_ CARD!"

"WHAT DID YOU PUT DOWN?"

"CATSUITED HAMMERSHIELDS, DUH!" Tony parroted triumphantly. " WHAT'S MORE ABSURD THAN THAT? AAAAAAND CHALK IT DOWN TO TEAM WHITE CRAYON KARDASHIAN!"

"Oh my Director Fury, they are going to pay for that. Thor! Fire the catapult!" yelled Natasha.

The catapult duly fired. The snow made a beautiful arc right into the thick walls of Team White Crayon Kardashian's snow fort. A hundred pounds of snow came crashing down right where Tony, Clint and Bruce had been sitting.

"Noooooo!" Tony howled. "My Apples to Apples cards!" But they were already buried under the glistening snow. "Okay, it is _so_ on."

"You monsters!" Bruce screamed at his enemies. "I didn't get to use my AIDS card yet!" The combined stress of huddling in a godforsaken wilderness, enduring Tony's taunts, and the discomfort of wearing tighty-whities finally had its effect. Bruce erupted out of both skin and clothes in a green volcano of rippling muscles. The Hulk had joined the party.

Tony cackled. "C'mon, Legolas, we're taking those hobbits to Isengard!"

Behind their fort, Team Catsuited Hammershield was panicking. "We didn't expect the Hulk!" Captain America whimpered.

Black Widow slapped his face. "Focus, Captain. Reload the catapult. Thor, what's the enemy doing?"

Thor peeked over the fort wall and was promptly hit in the face with a snowball. "Lady Widow, they are behind their wall, but the angry green one seems to be attempting to climb over. The Man of Iron has his tin suit on and is restraining him, but with difficulty. The archer is putting snowballs on his bow so that he can fire them at us. I do not think this will be a walk in the piece of cake."

Black Widow blinked her eyes at the last sentence. "A walk in the park, and a piece of cake. Sure then. Well, let's go down that tunnel quick. Captain, you reload that catapult. Thor and I will take care of this." They disappeared from view.

Captain America reloaded the catapult, ignoring the catcalls from the other team.

"Hey catapult! Your mother was a tent!"

"Oi, Rogers, if you're gonna wear spangled spandex I've got one word. Spanx!"

"GRAAAOOOORRRR!"

Steve threw his shield like a frisbee. It ricocheted off the enemy fort and knocked out an entire section of the wall.

But his side was taking hits too. Hawkeye's continuous volley of snowballs was poking holes through his walls. The Hulk was cautiously but surely advancing, ready to smash down the entire fort. Tony was nowhere to be seen...which made Captain America very nervous. Black Widow and Thor erupted out of the snow just as Iron Man broke through the earth's surface right next to Captain America.

Steve's squeal of shock would have sent any fangirl running for the hills in shame.

Black Widow grabbed Hawkeye and Thor stood there looking impressive, while Iron Man lifted Captain America by the hood of his jumpsuit. "We seem to be at an impasse," came Tony's muffled voice. "Hand over Cupid, and Cap here won't get a noseful of icicles."

"Send our guy over first and I'll let Hawkeye go," said Black Widow impassively.

"You know, you really don't have to," Hawkeye murmured. "Oddly enough I don't mind you holding me like this." She ignored him with supreme indifference, although he thought he felt her smile a little.

A sudden, steady thrum-thrum-thrum concussed the air. The Avengers watched openmouthed as an entire fleet of helicoptors sped along overhead.

Steve looked thunderstruck. "Is that our..."

"Yup," Tony answered in dismay. "That would be General al-Fakrah, who we were assigned to capture. Looks like he forgot to invite us on his little helicopter ride."

"Avengers, assemble!" roared Natasha. She released Clint, who looked disappointed at that particular development, and sprang for her tent to grab her gun. Only to remember that the tent had been remodeled into a catapult.

"No worries, Femme Fatale, I got it," Tony called lazily to her. He geared up his Iron Man suit and took off after the rapidly disappearing helicopter fleet. "And by the way, Team White Crayon Kardashian won."

Even Iron Man wasn't agile enough to dodge the snowball that came whistling after him.

**That's the end of our utterly implausible Christmas special, folks. And it's not even Christmas. There's still more to come, though. Let me know in the reviews which holiday you want me to do next!**


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